what happens when you stay up too late reading blogs and internet debates

So most of you probably know that I am a question asker. I don't like to hear "I don't know, we'll all know one day." I hate that. So much. And recently, I have had more and more things come up pertaining to the church that have bothered me. I've asked and I've been getting that same answer. Over. and over. You can imagine how frustrating this may be for me.

So I searched for answers myself. I read blogs of people who feel the same as me. Listened to speeches that address how I feel. But I never once prayed for comfort or for the answer (I still haven't). I never looked up what the General Authorities say on each topic. I have never asked a bishop. I just looked for things I wanted to hear. Things that would make me feel like I'm not alone. But I learned a valuable lesson last night. I couldn't sleep. I even tickled Nate's back to try to get me to sleep. And I NEVER. ever. do that.

Yesterday evening, I was reading one of the blogs I often read (the blogs mentioned above) and the author addressed the whole blacks not being able to have the priesthood thing. I thought, wow, this could not have come at a more perfect time for me. This is the question that's most recently been on my mind. I was empowered and thought I found the answer and found that there are people just like me and it's okay to be mad about this! And I still think that it is okay to be upset about this subject among others.

Later that night, in bed, I read a debate on why the church has done/does certain things. My sister was involved in the debate as were a few of my good friends. (The issue was not about blacks not being able to have the priesthood, and I will not go into what this issue was, but just know it was a big enough "issue" to start a debate between a non-member and members.)

I did not find any answers to my questions of the church (specifically blacks and the priesthood), but I did read some awesome testimonies and facts. Reading these made me feel the spirit. Even though it was a debate and seemed maybe a BIT contentious, I felt the Spirit so strongly reading those comments that I almost cried. And that, also NEVER happens. ever. It may sound weird, but right then and there I realized that it is okay NOT to know the answer to things but it is also okay to ask questions, as long as you go to appropriate sources for the answers. It is also okay to hear "We aren't supposed to know the answer to that in this lifetime." That does not mean I am following the church blindly, it just means that I have enough faith to understand that eventually my questions will be answered. It means that I have a few things that I KNOW to be true and those things outweigh all of my questions by a long shot.

Honestly, last night was an experience I have been waiting for for awhile now. I knew how my sister and these people felt about the church, but I had never seen any of them stand up for it like they did. (Okay, maybe I did a few times, but I never took note of it.) In fact, I don't think that I've ever PERSONALLY seen anyone stand up for something like that. It just made me realize that if there were 5+ people standing up for something and backing each other up (even if they didn't know each other that well) that this is the real freaking deal.

I'm tired of trying to find things wrong with the church. I'm tired of trying to push myself away from the truth for fear of being vulnerable. I'm tired of trying to be different and trying to ALWAYS play Devil's advocate. I'm tired of trying to NOT be the typical Mormon. I like typical. It makes me feel content and good.
I learned in 24 hours (yes, I know, that's a short amount of time to learn so much) there are things I will never understand. And that's okay. And sometimes bad things happen. Even in our church. But the point is is that things can be forgiven through the Atonement. While that may not be a good enough answer to some people, it is good enough for me.

The church may not be right for everyone. And that's fine. All I know is that it makes me feel good. And it has always felt... right. Comfortable. Good. If in the end, another religion was the "right one," then at least I'll know that in living the commandments of my church, I lived the best life I felt I could. And that's what's important. Just like in any other religion, they all (basically) teach things that will better the community as a whole. And in the end, I think, that is what is most important about ANY church.

While I am still a bit confused and still have many questions, there are some things I do know.
I do know that Christ died for ALL of us. Every. single. one of us. Even the worst of the worst, he died for their sins, too. I also know that because of Christ's sacrifice, that we may be forgiven of our sins. I can testify of these things personally. I know that MOST of the members of the church are good people. I know that most of the people in the world are good people. Just because we are Mormon, it does not mean that we are the only good people in the world. If anything, our church is just a foundation for us to strive to be better people. I know that none of my church's commandments are there to intentionally hurt anyone. Christ would not do that. And our whole gospel is centered around being Christ-like.

I know that there will always be people who try to find bad in everything the church does. And I know that now, I must stand up for the church to those people.. even if they never understand what I'm saying... at least I tried. And even though there are people like that out there, not everyone is bad. I firmly believe that most people are good.

I know that reading blogs of others who feel as I do may make me feel better, but in the end, will not give me any answers. It is nice to know that I am not alone and never will be, but it is nicer to know that I can find the answers I'm looking for if I just let go of my pride and get on my knees and ASK.

Are there certain things I am not okay with and probably never will be? Yes. But there is SO much more good in the church than the things I'm not okay with. There are so many things that I am okay with and that make me feel so good about life. And those things are what keep me going.

just because

everyone else is doing it.
why do i feel obliged to post about vday? well.. because it was our first. and all of you who think it is cheesy to post about it, i agree with you. but even though i am way cool, i am not too cool to post about vday with my favorite person. ever.
i won't give you a synopsis of our entire day, i will just say this: we did nothing special. at all. but we loved each other so much. i felt like it was our wedding day all over again (minus the drama of a wedding).
i have been going through a phase the past couple of days where i feel like we don't appreciate each other as much as we did when we were first dating... we never hug or kiss or hold hands like we used to. i feel like we take each other for granted ever since we got married. i can be so mean. so mean. i don't even realize it. but sometimes i will think in the shower (that is not what you want to picture, but it's where i do most of my thinking) about what i would do without him. and honestly, i have no idea what i would do if something happened to him. and that just makes me love him even more and realize that every single day we love each other more and more by doing simple things. like when he makes the bed. or when he tells me he is excited for me to get home. or tickles my back without me asking. or watches cupcake wars with me and makes me a different bowl of popcorn because he knows i hate the buttery kind. and he does these things right when i need him to do them. right when i'm feeling insecure and paranoid. it's seriously the best thing ever.
bottom line is, vday was awesome just because i simply knew how much we loved each other and i quit being so damn paranoid. i don't know if it was because of the expectation to love on that day or what it was, but i was giddy. and he was too. and it was great. the world needs more of these days.
anyways, enough with the cheesiness. 
just to brag... i got young the giant tickets :)

"i read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. i wish i had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep. and there are no words for that"
-brian andreas

what we've really been up to.

best picture ever, right?

starving after the wedding:)

well, after nate and i got married, as you can imagine, we went on a honeymoon. we went to florida! i loved it. it was colder than it should have been, but it was super fun. we went to universal studios and went to the best beaches in america. here are some highlights:

siesta key--the most beautiful sand.. eva

nate got to go to buffalo wild wings... where his cronies (he wishes)  dan patrick and the danettes hang out

and i happened to be followed by everything chuck bass! his hotel is even in florida!

it was so much fun and i am so sad it's over.

now... we are both back in school. nate is in his last semester and (hopefully) he graduates! i still have like 34 years of school left... grr. we are living in my aunt amy's basement and there's a 35 minute commute... which is not great. we carpool, but it's kind of a pain in my arse. it's been an adjustment to be married. it seems like once you get married, none of your friends want to even hang out. it's weird, but i know being married is much more important than friends. i guess we will just have to make friends with other married people... gross. kidding, of course. we've been watching the oc... it's awesome. that's one thing i love about being married... watching tv series. doesn't it seem like all marrieds do that? ha. nate is hoping to find a full time job soon and when he does, we will get our own place. i'm really excited to be an "official" married couple and have a place to call our own. til then, i am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's help. nate's SIL... well i guess she's mine, too, had her baby last week. she is so cute. i usually think newborns are ugly, but she is the dang cutest thing i've ever seen. having nieces and nephews is so much fun and i'm so excited for nate that he gets to experience this.

i am definitely a different person since i got married. i am more conscious of others' feelings and i am more supportive of those i love. i am still in love with chuck bass and blair waldorf... don't you worry.
my wedding was such a ball. i watch the videos and i just want to cry because i want to relive that day over and over again.
http://vimeo.com/35270831
http://vimeo.com/35270416

although marriage is an adjustment, i really do love it. sometimes i get sad when i see my single friends doing things, but then i realize what's important and i am so glad i have that with nate. ew. i am so cheesy.

as far as music goes, i have been enjoying gotye, young the giant, and lana del rey lately. nate hates lana. hates. maybe it's because i play her 100x a day. but i do that with every song i love. so he is just going to have to get used to it.
that's all for now!
xoxo

well put.

i don't need to say anything else.
amazing.

thoughts that could get me in trouble.

Hello, friends. I have been thinking (that in itself usually gets me into trouble) and I have had a lot of questions come up. You know those people who have always lived off their parents testimonies? They've never looked for their own... found out that The Church is true on their own? Well, I am not necessarily one of those people, but I have a fault: (We can argue I have more than one fault, but we all know that's not true.) I've just gone through the motions.. I've never "searched, pondered, and prayed" about much of anything. I have never had that moment where I get punched in the face with a moment telling me The Church is true. I have never been reading a scripture and thought, "Oh my word! This IS true!" I have never said a prayer and felt the answer. (You could argue that I'm out of tune with the Spirit... which is probably true.) I have never read my pachtriarcle blessing and thought, "Hmm... God really DOES know me. This changed my life." Oh my gosh I am so awful.

Side note: I hate that I feel like an awful Mormon for wondering these things, or not feeling these things. WHY?

Woah woah woah wait... before you shit your pants, I am NOT an apostate. But I'll get to that later.

Anyways.. I've been figuring out a lot of things about myself. And one is... I'm all talk... no walk. I can sit and preach and preach to people what is right and what is true and what is not (And for the most part, my preaching (I think) is pretty accurate.), but I just don't really FEEL it sometimes.

Shocker, I know.

In the past, I've tried to strengthen my testimony and I've totally immersed myself in it. I don't think it was in my favor, that immersion. I think I need to take it a step at a time. I will ask scary questions. And if I'm "not supposed to know certain things," I will get an answer that is sufficient.

I'm so scared of some things. I'm so scared to believe that Heavenly Father can know EVERY SINGLE PERSON better than they know themselves. I'm so scared of the temple. I'm so scared of eternity. I'm so scared of letting my bishop know everything about me when he knows everything about everyone else. I'm so scared to let someone who I can't physically see take over my life. It is so hard for me to let "Thy Will Be Done" as they say. I am so scared of so many things. I'm scared that I won't do enough or be enough no matter how hard I try. I'm scared that I won't get to see some of my family members in the "next life." It could go on forever.

But I don't want you all thinking I'm apostate, like I said earlier. (Yes, believe it or not, I do care what people think... in fact, I care WAY too much.) While I have all of these doubts and fears, there is a part of me that KNOWS what I'm hearing and feeling and seeing is right and true (most of it). And that little part that knows that and feels it keeps me hanging onto the Gospel and my testimony (the baby one that I have). It gives me hope that if I genuinely work at it, I will have a good relationship with Heavenly Father and my testimony will grow. And it makes me feel willing to work at that. If nothing else, I know that keeping the commandments and doing the things I should makes me feel GOOD and I believe makes me a better person. Even if I just keep going through the motions for now, I think if I keep at it long enough, it will end up not being just motions.

I am happy that these doubts that arise aren't enough to break down my faith completely. Faith is a hard concept to endure. It is hard to believe that everything that happens to you is what you chose. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.... but I know it's there. Usually. It's hard to keep your head up sometimes. It's hard to have faith that God knows all. (Especially when you are as proud as me... thinking I know EVERYTHING.) But I'm willing to try and have faith. And I think God thinks that's good enough.

Don't get me wrong, I still might make up excuses to skip fast and testimony meeting at the single's ward or read my Kindle during it or skip out on mission homecomings/farewells. I will still probably mock a lot of people. I will still probably "accidentally sleep in" so I don't have to go to Relief Society. (I'm a bad, bad person.) But I'm going to try all that other stuff they tell you to do out. (Read scriptures, pray, fast, etc.) So here we go... This will be my journey to a testimony. Maybe it will help to write it all out on here. Also, if you have any advice for me, please contact me. I want this to happen. I truly do.

school. and other useless information

hi, friends. hasn't been that long since we last met, but some cool things have happened. well. kind of cool things. you can decide. sooo... this past summer was super fun. in case you couldn't tell. i did really cool things. i went sky diving, went to new york, went to vegas and st george, got a kindle, went to 311/sublime, went to sugarland/sara b., saw my nephew get baptized, hung out with my boyfran, and did all the other fun things you can do in the summertime. oh i went to the pool a lot, too. that was fun. probably one of the greater summers of my life. did i mention i spent waaaay too much money? well. i did. but guess what? i'm about to spend a shiz ton more with school and all. either me or the government. either way. anyways. so I just wanted to tell you all this amazing thing my brother in law said. i was talking about my classes to him... my abnormal psychology class. and i was telling him about all the unnecessary stories people share. well, he was agreeing with me and here's what he said:
"Oooh pick me pick me! My brother used to strangle himself while he masturbated because he thought it made him feel like Papa Smurf!"

And that sums up pretty much the awesomeness of my family. that's all i wanted to post about. because i'm not feeling deep or sad or anything.

but i guess i could go on about how annoying it is when people raise their hands every five seconds in class. because it is. so. annoying. shut the freak up. no one cares about what you're thinking. especially when it has NOTHING to do with what the class is talking about. 

argh.

update for KBell (I honestly have nothing to update you with)

So in case you haven't already figured out, my posts are mostly just posts of randomness. At first I TRIED to avoid it; but now I embrace the randomness. I embrace the craziness.
I like writing on this thing because I like to see they way I put words and thoughts together. And sometimes when I write things down (or type them down), it makes everything seem a whole lot clearer in my head. New York is on my mind lately. Not only because I'm going there in oh you know, just five days, but because I sometimes feel like my life should be featured in Gossip Girl. Yes, I love it. Yes, you could argue that I have an unhealthy obsession with it. There are so many things that happen to me on a weekly basis that you only hear about in movies or in books. (No, finding out that I'm the princess of a Troll kingdom is not one of them. Damnit!) I don't want to give the e-world an inside on the events of my life, so I'm going to be as vague as possible. I will even break it up into smaller paragraphs for you so that you don't get bored.
Paragraph one:
Betrayal. There has been some betrayal in the past few months. And a couple of big events. Not to say that I'm dwelling on the events, because I'm not; but they did put me into this ever-so-sensitive-fragile state I've been in the past week or so. Betrayal has been (should NOT have been) a big part of my life. So it might be sad to say that I'm a little bit used to it. When certain events happen, I feel numb to them. I know, I know. I sound like a teenager full of angst. But guess what, I'm not a teenager anymore (yahoo!) and I'm definitely not full of angst lately. Anyways, this paragraph is dragging so I'll conclude it. Betrayal= the root of my fragile state.
Paragraph two:
Honesty. Now you all know me. You know I'm the most blunt person you will meet. I feel there is a difference between being honest and being blunt. I feel as though being honest is telling the truth in a nice way. Being blunt is just telling the truth. Could be nice, could come off totally rude. But either way, I (mostly) tell the truth.I guess sometimes my bluntness comes off as mean. I don't want to come off as mean (as much as I want to be Blair Waldorf). I want to come off as honest. I know the bluntness is what you all love, but those who don't know me may not love it. They may feel as though I'm being rude or demeaning. I really don't want that. Maybe I'll keep it for all of you who know me. Maybe I won't. (ahhh haha so mysterious!)
Paragraph three:
Bad-mouthing. Soooo as you know, I've been dating a great guy. Over the past five-ish months, I have realized that he hardly ever says bad things about people. I am ashamed to say that I am NOT like that. It's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut when people offend me or when I think people are flat out stupid. But I'm trying. I feel so awful when I find out that people bad mouth me. You know, I get that ALL the time that people don't like me. It's usually because they don't know me. I'm not the warmest person when you first meet me, but when I get to know and love you, I would literally do anything for you. Anyways, back to bad mouthing. I don't like it. It hurts people's feelings. And I'm trying my hardest to stop.
(I'm sorry these paragraphs are not even as close to as short as I envisioned they'd be.)
Paragraph four:
Death/illness. These seems to like to grace me with their presence quite frequently. No, not the death or illness of me, but the death or illnesses of others. I do not like these. Not one bit. It's sad to see people go. It's sad to see people suffer. It makes me question a lot of things. And I don't know if these questions are questions I should be asking. Does anyone else feel me?
Paragraph five: (Just because I feel like four is a weird number of paragraphs. But not kids. You must have an even number of kids.)
Dammit. This post is negative. I really don't want it to be. But it's my outlet, so why would I talk about happy things? Ah ha ha ha. Just kidding. I love happy things. Like trolls. And my Kindle. Everyone should get one. I have read more books on it in the past month than I have normal books in the past two years. Yeah, I said it. Why? Because I hate the sound of paper rubbing together. And I hate the texture of the paper of normal books. Yes, I am crazy. We all know.

READ ME!

PS. Eff freaking Weber State. Let's talk about how you don't give me (hardly) ANY Pell Grants because you're too freaking cheap. Well, guess what. You can't afford to be cheap! You only have a 35% graduation rate! SUCK IT! Or is it Obama I should be pissed at? Really? My mom had breast cancer this year! Cut us some slack jerks.

not so much my blog

Okay, okay so maybe it's me having the identity crisis. Have any of you ever read "Switched"? I'm beginning to think I am a troll. Yep, a freaking troll.
It's a lot like Twilight, but more sarcastic, less cheesy, and better written. You should read it. definitely.

Why do I say I'm the one with the identity crisis? No, I don't really think I am a troll. But I'm as mean as one. And my hair is as unruly and frizzy as one's. Although I do an excellent job at taming it.

I say this because I mostly change my mind about everything at least three times a day. And I get mad over stupid things. And I question a lot. And sometimes questions are bad. Sometimes they are good. But they are mostly bad because MY questions are mostly insecurities.

If I don't die from being insecure, I better die from something awesome. Like Herpes. Or a bank hold up and I jump in front of someone who is about to be shot. That would be a cool funeral to attend.
No, I do not wish to die. Nor do I wish to ever be involved in a bank hold up. Nor do I wish to ever have Herpes... any type. What I'm saying is is that sometimes my insecurities almost kill me. I get anxiety and I stress and I worry so much that I have to make sure I force myself to breathe. Crazy? I know. But this only happens sometimes and only with certain things and only with certain people.
Of course, I'm a girl and I'm insecure about the girl things. My body. My eyebrows. My teeth. My eyelashes. (NO. I will NEVER get eyelash extensions no matter how bad I hate mine.) But sometimes there are deeper insecurities. But like you want to sit and read about my insecurities. Whatever, screw you.
(See, I could totally be a troll! A mean, evil troll! Muahhahhaha!)


I just want you all to know that there is no point to this post. None at all. Maybe it's to tell you to read a good book .Maybe it's to tell you that I'm insecure. (I think I've done that before.) Maybe it's to tell you I'm a troll. Or maybe it's to tell you I secretly wish to rob a bank one day.
Anyways....
Maybe it's because I'm bored (that's the reason for most of my posts).
Yep, that's probably it.
Happy Thursday and weekend.
I'm going to go listen to the Jehovah's Witnesses Convention. And wish them all a Happy 4th of July!

HATE

Okay so my blog has been uber (I hate uber) positive lately so I decided I need to balance it out with some things I absolutely hate. Plus I'm extremely bored so this is my escape. Enjoy.

1. People who type like dumb asses.

    Examples: hEy hOw aRe u? 

                   wut r u doing 2day

                   ;;, &&, :p

                   etc etc etc 

2. Text slang.

    Examples: LOL, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, G2G

3. People who pretend to care. People who pretend at all.

4. People who don't appreciate good music. Or those who don't appreciate music at all. 

5. Some bastard that took my debit card info and purchased groceries in SPAIN.

6. Allergies. 

7. Hashtags on Facebook

8. Couples in church who are all over each other. Seriously? It's one thing to do it in public... but in CHURCH is another story. Get a room.

9. I've said it before and I'll say it again: know the difference between (especially when you are talking about something controversial):

    you're and your

    further and farther (recently developed thanks to Travis Price)

    there, their, and they're

    then and than

    too, to, and two

    etc etc etc

10. Fashion bloggers who dress hideous. Actually, I like them. They make me laugh.

11. The damn rain/the damn weather updates on Facebook

12. Texas Roadhouse.

13. Words With Friends

14. Pretty much everything that everyone posts on Facebook.

15. People's shitty engagements and wedding pictures

16. Freaking people's testimonies. There are few that really make a difference. Don't start off your testimony telling a joke that is NOT funny. Don't start it off with a joke at all. Don't start it off with some cliche analogy either. Testimony meeting is bad enough. But testimony meeting at a single's ward where everyone gets up once in relief society and once in sacrament meeting is pushing it.

17. Damn duvet covers from Ikea

18. Common Cents for charging me the same price for a CUP of ice as they do a soda. Then spilling my drink with that ice all over my desk.

19. Waking up early. Waking up at all. I am feeling like I need to sleep 24/7 lately.

20. Trying to come up with 20 things I hate right now.

This week is going to be a long one. Yes, I said it. Ass holes.

Christina Perri's new album came out today. LOVE. So that's one good thing, I guess. 

    

Random things and thoughts.

So... tomorrow is the last day of my mom's chemo! How excited we are! It's really such a sad thing to see, but it has been a blessing in disguise. I feel so much closer to her and so much closer to my siblings. If you know me, you know mine and my mom's relationship has always been rocky. But after this whole ordeal, I feel a whole lot closer with her. I'm sad that she had to go through all of this and I am so grateful it is over, but I would not trade the past six months for anything. I have learned so much.

I have learned:
how giving people really are.
who my true friends are.
that the little things really don't matter. I know it's so cliche and everyone says it, but it's so true!
that family is so much more important than friends.
that friends can become family if you let them.
that my mom is stronger than any woman I know.
that my sisters are the people who know me best.
that my brother, Mitch, is much softer than he leads on to be.
that I am much softer than I lead on to be.
that it could always be worse.
that it is so much more important to give than to receive.
that sometimes people don't need advice; they don't need input. Sometimes, they just need someone to be there.
that most of the time I just need someone to be there.
that it is so important to LET people help. If you don't, you could be taking blessings from them
that getting to know people/letting people get to know me is something that is hard for me. But it is so, so important.
that in the midst of all of this shit known as cancer, I have found it easier to say the glass is half full. Most days
that life is hard.

I'm really glad that we can finally be done with chemo (hopefully for good). We can go back to living a "normal" life. Well, as normal as my family can be.

I think about my past sometimes. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed the person I used to be. I know I would not be as blessed as I have been. I've realized over the past few years that I really do deserve awesomeness. I still have my down days where I'm insecure and needy and sad, but most of the time I'm strong. (Have you all heard the song "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans OR my girl Leighton Meester? Aweosme.) There is no greater joy than to know that you have prevailed. And I have. And it's freaking awesome.

I was listening to this song by Sara B. and this stuck out to me:
You were an island 
No one would dare to tread upon 
I came in like the wise men 
Ask you to take my gift of love 
Careful confessions 
Can't scare you with my crime 
I learned my lesson 
Love you a little at a time 


I'm not really sure why it stuck out to me, but it reminded me of a time in my life when I was like that. And I thought of how glad I was that I learned my lesson.

I think I'm going to Africa in October. It's not for sure, so I'm not getting my hopes up. I have almost enough money saved to go. I would be going to Kenya to help the women who get sold into sex slavery. Wouldn't that just be awesome? It would probably be one of the best things I could do. Even if I had to miss school or work. I don't care. I would do it. I would even take out a student loan to pay for it. Which is what I'll probably end up doing:). But hey, might as well us the government to my advantage!

I'm just gonna rant for a minute. So I've been looking at people's wedding pictures and I'm wondering... WHAT. THEE. HELL. What happened to the old days where the pictures were normal? Why do people insist on making them as weird... er.. I mean, "unique" as possible? It's cool to have them be unique, but it's obvious when someone is trying too hard/stepping out of who they are to make them that way. And the cheesiness! OH THE CHEESINESS! "Here, push me up against this wall and look into my eyes and I will be giggling! Because I am just so damn happy!" OR "Let's wear matching Rock Revival jeans and we can take pictures of our asses because everyone is sooo interested in what brand of jeans we are wearing!" OR "Hey, stand behind me in your tux and look at me like you've just made the best decision of your life..." I'm sorry... this is probably so rude and offending so many of you. But when did the wedding become about the pictures and not about the actual wedding? Why do we have to pose happy? Why can't we just capture the real happiness? No offense, this isn't directed towards anyone in general. Just everyone in general. Kidding. Kidding.
Anyways.. how's that for random?

PS you should all listen to The Civil Wars. They are simply amazing.
PSS does anyone have anyone who would donate money to sponsor T Shirts at our event? Let me know. Thanks friends.

Today was a bad day

Let's just get that out there. This post will NOT be positive. It will consist of a lot of questions and negativity. So if you're on the verge of suicide, I would NOT read this post.
I'm gonna start off with a big fat
WHY?
Why? Why do people have to suffer? Why do some people have to suffer more than other people? Why do some people never STOP suffering? Why is it that when it rains.. it FREAKING POURS?
I guess I could sit here and riddle you and try to answer all of these "whys" but I never will. And I don't think anyone can give me a forward answer to any of these. I just want answers, and I guess that is where I am flawed.
Man, I let loose tonight. It felt good but it also wore me out. I wish I could do that more often, trust me. I have a soft spot for little kids and my mom had an awesome idea to make a money/gift card tree for a little boy in a family we have grown up with who has cancer. Dylan is the cutest, strongest, sweetest little boy ever. The look on his face is something I will never forget. The strength that family and that boy must have. I hope that one day I can be like my mom in this way. And give what I don't have to give. That little boy tugged at some heart strings of mine that I didn't even know I had. I cannot imagine the suffering and heartache him and his family are going through. I can only admire them and aspire to one day have their strength. Tonight I learned a lot about people and a lot about myself.As uplifting as it was, I couldn't help but feel sad.
I feel so sad. So sad because life could always be harder (for me). So sad because I'm complaining when things are so easy for me. So sad because I feel like my feelings aren't valid because my life is so fluffy. So sad that I am even posting this blasted bitchiness.
You know... I wonder why Heavenly Father does a lot of things. Why does he allow for people, innocent people, to suffer? I feel like the people who deserve it the LEAST receive the hardest trials. (I'm not talking about me or my family). Why does a nine year old boy have to suffer? What did he EVER do? Life is NOT fair. NOT in the least bit.
I'm struggling a little bit with a doubt and fear. I know it is Satan and I still have a testimony of the Gospel, but I'm just wondering why. I know it is wrong, but I can't help it. I get so frustrated with all the bad in the world that often times I lose sight of all of the good. How are people so positive?
I'm sorry but it is NOT okay for a nine year old to suffer the way he is. It is NOT okay for my mom to have cancer. It is NOT okay for Lexi to have to go through all she goes through. It is NOT okay for Katie and Angie to have gone through what they have gone through in the past year. It is NOT okay for any of this bull shit. It is just not okay.
I'm tired of sadness. I always feel like.. just one more thing and it will all be better. But it never is. It's just suck on top of suck. Who know I would be feeling this so strongly?
Life is rough, I know. And I know that one day it will get better, but for now, I just want to be hateful and talk about the suckiness of life.
Maybe one day I will get all cheesy and post what I am grateful for. But probably not.
For now, please just pray for that little boy and his family. This is not fair. But we can help; we can pray and we can be there.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Now I'm really rambling.
Good.night.

i. don't. care.

I do not effing care about your stupid headbands you sell because your husband is working hard and your life is SO fluffy that you have nothing better to do than to make shitty headbands. I can buy one for a dollar at Forever 21 why would I buy an ugly one from you for 5$?

ha ha. I love you guys.

:(

Sad.
I wasn't going to tell the blog this, but since it's not happening, I will.
This summer, I was planning on going to Mozambique to volunteer from July 4th to July 28th.
Well, 4400$ is NOT easy to come by.
Next summer, I guess.
There's a reason for everything right?
Guess I'll  go to summer school!
F'in A.

Come on, Amy! You can do it!

BAH! Okay I'm totally venting.
LIFE.SUCKS. 
blah blah call this post a debbie downer post, I really don't care. 
Is it really fair that my mom has to be sick with the flu and oral blisters and a sinus infection 3 days before the biggest surgery of her life? No. Is it really fair that my mom even has to have this surgery? No. Is it really fair that she doesn't have a husband by her side through all of this? No. Is it really fair that she can't get approved for health insurance? No.
Life is not fair, I know. Save it. But can't one lady catch a break?
I don't know whether or not this has all hit me or if I am just numb to it all. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions from the age of five so the numb part is sounding pretty accurate. I'm standing pretty strong and tall through all of this. I won't lie, (and I know how stupidly cliche this sounds) I shut people out when things like this happen. I don't talk to people that I should and I just focus all my energy on doing things and not talking about things. I lose friendships like this, so people, please stick this out with me. It's gonna be a long year. 
I think the biggest thing is I HATE looking/feeling weak. I hate feeling like I have to lean on someone and cry on someone's shoulder. That makes everything worse. I'm tough; I'm strong. I can do this. But I guess this is what my blog is for-- is because sometimes, I can't do this. I shouldn't say that I can't do it.... I should say that I really don't WANT to do this-- any of it. 
I know, cancer happens all the time and there are much MUCH worse things out there. But this truly sucks. There is nothing worse than the unknown (you can quote me on that). That's all cancer is-- unknown. I mean, yeah doctors know, but they don't know all. Every answer any doctor has given us has had words like "probably", "most likely", and "maybe" in them. Unknown. 
I wish I could sit down with someone and just lay it all out. I can't. I physically cannot do that. I can't even do it on here. There is so much I want to say and so much that I want to go through and sort, but I can't do it for some reason.
I know I do have it really good. And I know we can all handle this. But it was Mother Teresa who said, "I know God won't give me (my mom) anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I think  God really trusts my mom. I think he trusts her more than a lot of His children. He definitely trusts her more than He trusts anyone I know. 
I hate to be so negative. We have (already) had so much help from so many people. People who don't even know my mom have sacrificed for her. I get the chills every time I hear of something someone has done for her or said to her.
I don't know if anyone remembers this, but my mom was the social worker on Spencer Salinas' accident. She was seriously amazing. She helped so many people and she helped me a lot too. I gained a lot of close relationships out of that accident as did my mom. Zach Salinas (Spencer's brother) and Lindsey Arnett (Spencer's girlfriend at the time) both texted my mom such meaningful things. They both brought tears to her eyes. Never underestimate the small (or big) things you do for someone. Lindsey, if you are reading this, you made my mom's night that night. Zach, if you are reading this, you made my mom's night the next. I know there is a reason for all of this. We saw some of the reasoning for Spencer's accident over the years. I hope we can figure this one out.
I might need help
But I'm no good at asking. So once again, bear with me:)
I want to say thank you to everyone who has helped so far. And for everyone who has facebooked me or my family, texted us, called us, or emailed us... or even prayed for us. Your actions are not going unnoticed. Every message, text, or call means everything to us. 
I really do have such an amazing family. I don't know what I would do without them. All of you. I love you so SO much. I know I don't always show it (I'm definitely the bitchy one in the family), but this is my way of telling you how much I love you. I'm the youngest so I'm a little bit of all of you mixed together (the good stuff only, of course) and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for everything.
And mom, you're amazing. I don't know where I would be without you. Even though (at the time) I didn't like it, the things you did when I was going through my "rebellious years" really molded me and shaped me. I know why you did those things now, although at the time I resented it. And I will admit it now: you were right all along. I'm hoping that through this whole process, we can become closer. And hopefully our whole family can too. But what a sucky way to do it, right?
Anyways. Life sucks. I'm tired. It's 2:45am.
Goodnight world.
Isn't my family awesome?

Oh, and PS:
I don't want pity or sympathy; I just want my mom better:(

down with the sickness.

Damn. Katie was right. when I get sick I get emotional!
Effin a..
PS my facebook got hacked by my lame boss, so if I am posting up the ying yang (more than usual) or am posting weird things, you know why.


Day 7. 

Complete the sentence, "I am..."

Sick. Effing sick. And I hate it. I NEVER get sick. Today was terrible. But... i am going to bed early... even though I have been sleeping all day. Oh and I have been having weird dreams. I think it's cause I'm sick. Dreams about people I REALLY do not wanna dream about. Anyways... i am tired. I'm going to sleep. hopefully.

numero quatro!

Day 4. Top Ten Pet Peeves. 

1. When people don't know the difference between "you're and your," "their, there, and they're," "to and too," and all those other words that are the same with different meanings.
2. People who post lyrics to church hymns on facebook. Lyrics are sometimes ok. Church hymn lyrics are never ok.
3. The Twilight craze/obsession. Alright, it was a great book....but really people? Live in the NOW. haha.
4. When people copy me...I try my hardest to be unique and when everyone just takes what you do and makes it their own.. nothing makes me more mad!
5. When people quote themselves. I'm sorry but to make something meaningful, someone else has to quote you. You're not that awesome.
6. Games. While it is true that we all play them and it's kind of a necessity, I HATE THEM. SO. FREAKING. MUCH. It's so annoying. Just say how you feel, and mean it! Don't tip toe around my feelings, or anyone else's for that matter. Just say how you feel.
7. Text lingo. ie: LOL! LMAO!! u r soo cute c u l8r!!
8. When people wear black with brown! IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Black and brown do not do not do NOT go together!!!
9. When people sing songs but they do not know the words to the songs.
10. Last but DEFINITELY not least.. that damn commercial about old used gold. Kill. Me. Now.

things

My uncle Shaun died on Friday. It's weird. I didn't really know him nor was I close with him, but I did like him. He was a good guy. A very genuine and kind man. I'm not looking forward to another funeral. Especially on Carissa's birthday. I'll be there though; I'll be there for my Aunt Karen and her little ones. I feel so badly for her family. Please pray for them.


Katie Evans Price.... Can I just explain my love for her right now? She is so awesome. She doesn't deserve to go through what she has been through the past couple of months. She means so much to me. Her and her little family. I don't know where I would be without her and Travis. They are the toughest people I know. I know I always ramble about how much they mean to me, but I mean every word. Katie and me were at the grocery store (Wal-Mart) and as we were walking to get milk, she said, "I still have a hard time walking past the baby stuff." I teared up. I didn't know it was still this hard for her. I can't imagine what she is going through and I wish I could help more. I don't know what to do for her. Any thoughts? Anyone who has been through it? I guess I could take her kids... but I do that all the time! I want to do something for HER. I love her. With all of my heart.


Chris Price (Travis' mom) had her farewell this week. It was so awesome. I haven't been to that powerful of a sacrament meeting in a long time. Melanie Wellman is awesome. She gave the best talk. Oh, and did I mention Tyson Price's singing abilities? WOW. Carissa and I were crying like little babies. Chris said something very interesting: "Faith is a choice." How simple, but how true? I love going off about how we CHOOSE our lives.... we all know that. I'll spare you today though. Mainly because the President of Weber State just walked in and he probably didn't appreciate that I am blogging. 

So I googled "Faith is a choice," And this is what came up:

Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today's world, I wish to suggest a single choice — a choice of peace, protection, and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. ... Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen and choose faith over pessimism."

Faith is a choice that must be sought after and developed, Bishop Edgley said. Because faith is a choice, individuals are responsible for their own faith — or lack thereof.

"While I don't know everything, I know the important," he said. "I know the plain and simple gospel truths that lead to salvation and exaltation. I know that the Savior did suffer the pain of all men and that all repentant men and people can be cleansed from sin. And what I don't know or don't completely understand, with the powerful aid of my faith, I bridge the gap and move on, partaking of the promises and blessings of the gospel. And then, as Alma teaches, our faith brings us to a perfect knowledge. Moving forward into the unknown, armed only with hope and desire, is evidence of our faith and our devotion to the Lord."

Drawing from Alma 32:34 in the Book of Mormon, Bishop Edgley shared ways individuals can choose faith. Bishop Edgley taught that when confusion and hopelessness weigh on an individual's mind, they can choose to awake and arouse their faculties. When one's testimony is immature, untested and insecure, individual's can choose to "experiment upon His word." When logic, reason or personal intellect come into conflict with sacred teachings and doctrine, individuals can choose to not cast the seed out of their heart by unbelief.

It is through choosing faith, Bishop Edgley said, individuals are able to move mountains.

"I have never witnessed the removal of an actual mountain," he said. "But, because of faith I have seen a mountain of doubt and despair removed and replaced with optimism and hope. Because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of pain replaced with peace, hope and gratitude. Yes, I have seen mountains removed. ...

"When we choose faith and then nurture that faith to a 'perfect knowledge' of the things of the Lord, then we use the words 'I testify' or 'I know'" he said. "I have personally planted the seed in my own heart and throughout my life I have attempted to nurture that seed to a 'perfect knowledge.' "

it had to end to begin

So... first of all... let me just tell you.. I love blogging and reading blogs! I'm such a creeper haha but I love hearing other people's stories. I might like blogging more than Facebook! It's much more personal and much more real. Facebook is just for jokes...and you all know how much I LOVE Facebook!

I have been reading stories about the sweet little girl who drowned in Lake Powell years ago. I can't believe how it affected me! I bawled-at work! I hardly ever cry, but when I do, I CRY! So these past few days have been days of crying. Not just that blog, but other things. I think I'm so stressed and so busy I haven't had enough "Amy Time." I need to be alone sometimes. I need to see my neices and nephews a lot more. They can heal anything and everything. 

Speaking of which, my little Peanut (Emory) was so sick. And so sad. She just wanted her Amy. Do you know how sad that makes me to hear her say she misses me?! I mean, while I was at Snow, of course she missed me, I was 150 miles away! But I am only 7 miles away now and she misses me! What a terrible Auntie I have been! My poor little Peanut. So yesterday I spent some time with her and I took her some ice cream on Saturday. It is so rewarding to see those kids' faces light up when they see their aunt. I love them so much. And Brylee calling me to Skype was just the cutest damn thing that's ever happened! I miss Angie and Steve. I miss having no life and just having my family:) Just makes me appreciate them so much more.

I absolutely cannot imagine losing one of them. I don't know how the Binks/Parry family did it (I am very good friends with Brady Parry). I read the post that Austin posted and I just bawled. There is a paragraph where he talks about how he knows what certain things feel like. I couldn't hold back. It was so beautifully written and so emotional for me to read. I don't know why. I have never lost a family member. I have lost friends, but I don't know what they felt, but he sure described it to me. I can only imagine that making me cry, what acutally losing a child would be like.

What I want to know is... HOW were they both so positive? I would be so angry at God. I admire people like that so much. I guess God just gives you a certain amount of strength when trials come along. Trials don't always have to be bad, do they? There can be good from them, right?

I also like reading other people's testimonies. It's amazing how eye opening some things can be. The littlest quotes, or sayings, or whatever can make such a difference. Honestly, reading Kamberlie's blog has strengthened my testimony. Heavenly Father does love me. I have been through a lot of trials, maybe not as bad as other's, but I think Heavenly Father gives trials to those he loves. I know he does. He wouldn't give me, or anyone else, a trial unless he knew without a doubt that it would benefit us in the long run. It's so hard to understand that he knows everything... it's so hard to understand "why" sometimes.. I don't try to understand anymore. I have gotten so much better at saying, "If it's meant to be, it'll be." And not just saying it-living it.

My sisters are so amazing. Katie is doing so much for my dad right now. He is going through a hard time and it seems like whenever anyone is going through a hard time, Katie is the savior. She is very Christ-Like in that way... she has saved a lot of people. She has saved me. I love her with all of my heart. We clash, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is my best friend.

Angie... I look up to her so much. She is doing everything she can to support her husband. She is uncomfortable and tired and mad and all of the above, but she is doing it. She is one of the most Christ-like people I know. I look up to her so much. She rarely talks bad about people and that's definitely a quality I need. She has been my best friend since I was a little girl. She will always be my best friend.

And besides all of that, they gave me precious gifts. They gave me their children. I would be lost and broken without those kids. I love them with all my heart.

I started going to a Single's Ward (in Farr West). I really enjoyed it! I knew a few people there, but not too many! I am excited to be in a new chapter in my spiritual life. And that is what I'm going to work on, is my spirituality. I need it. I need to be strong. I know that. Reading the Binks' blog has helped me realize that there is only one thing that is really important. And that's my relationship with Heavenly Father. If I don't have that, nothing else will fall into place the way it's supposed to be.

I really am so blessed... I have so many friends that care about me.. I have so many family members who would do anything for me. I have never been at a better place in my life as I am now. My life is stressful, crazy, and busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that my Heavenly Father has a divine plan for ME specifically. A plan that nobody else has. That is amazing that He can make one special plan for every one of his children. It's amazing that someone can love someone else so much.

I am definitely a lyric reader. I love lyrics. So much. I was reading Sia lyrics and I read the song "Numb." This really stood out to me, "It had to end to begin." I know everyone takes things differently but here is how I took it:

Something ending whether it be a friendship, a relationship, a life, or anything, doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It can open doors to so many new things beginning. I feel like it means, ending something can mean starting something so much better. And never ending that thing could have meant never having that one better thing. Whether it's someone saying, "I'm proud of you" or, "You're an inspiration." Even the littlest things are better. I don't know if I'm really making sense, but it makes sense in my head!

That is so definitely true with my situation with...well.. I won't name names, but everyone who knows me knows who I am refferring to. I know, I know everyone is tired of hearing about him. And he will be apart of this blog as I heal. So if you don't wanna hear about him, don't read!! Because guess what? I AM STILL DEALING WITH IT. Everyday. Every single day. I know, I made my bed. It gets easier and I realize how much better off I am, but nonetheless, I am still dealing with it. I have my moments where I hate him. I have my moments where I miss him. I really do, but I don't dwell. I think of the bad and not the good. That is so unlike me. But I need to be unlike me because it's me that got me into this situation. I need a new me. A new Amy. If that takes being negative about certain areas in my life, so be it. As long as I am generally happy. And I am. I really am generally happy.

And where would I be without the support of those who love me? I am so indebted to certain people for helping me push through this on-going trial. I know, my life is not that bad, but this is definitley a big trial for me. So thank you (you know who you are) for sticking it out with me and standing strong by my side everyday!

On a better note, I have so much to look forward to this month!

October 8-10: Idaho for Shelby's wedding!

October 16: JARROD GORBEL!!!:):):)

October 22-24: VEGAS with Jacee!

October 31: Halloween (my costume will ROCK!) and Daddio's birthday!

xoxo

I haven't written in awhile. By that I mean, I haven't WRITTEN in awhile. Not blogged, or facebooked, or tweeted.... I have not sat down and wrote. About anything. And everything. I miss it. I really do. I used to be a writer, but then I decided it looked dumb. Well now, I don't care. If it's dumb, I would love to look dumb!


I'm at a place in my life where I don't know who I am or what I'm doing but I sure am doing it! School, work, friends, family... it's all relative. I keep thinking... in a year.. two years... three years... it'll be easier. But does it really ever get easier? Does anyone really know who they are? Apart of me misses when I was 16-17. I thought I had it all figured out, oblivious to what was ahead. They say, "Ignorance is bliss"... I couldn't agree more.

It's hard to figure out who you are when you're smothered by others' opinions and ideas. No, that wasn't a stab at the Mormon Church.I think, as I'm sure the rest of you do, that we conform to those that surround us. Whether it's good or bad, that's entirely up to you.I have found myself to be a recluse lately just for this very reason. I listen to music... a lot. I lose myself in songs and end up finding a little piece of me. It's amazing the impact one artist, one album, one song, one line can have on your life. I'm finding that I am a deeper person than I though I was.

Which brings me to my next life decision. I was going to further my education in teaching... but I don't want to be that. That's what's expected and I don't want to be just what is expected. I going all the way. Not "going BACK to school so I can have babies..." I'm finishing what I want to do and what will make me happy before I try to make everyone else happy.

I have always tried to make everyone else happy. I think I have mostly stopped that. There are still a few people that get me... but I am proud to say that I now know how to stand my ground. Saying no is hard, but being unhappy is even harder.

I was unhappy for a long time. A lot of people will tell me to stop talking about it, to let it go... but why would I stop talking about it? It made me who I am today. I will never fully let go... I can't let go of something I gave away that has such a big part of me. Why would I want to forget that part of me? Moving on and letting go are totally different things. I see moving on as moving forward, turning the page. Letting go is giving up who you were and forgetting it. But I guess it's all relative isn't it?

I only hope that I can help people with the things I have in my past. I am not complaining... my life is great. I'm not defending myself.. I'm just writing. Yeah, writing. I want people to see the things I have done and say, "Wow, she really is something." I'll get there someday. I know it.

Till then:)
stay tuned
 ME

Well since no one reads this...

I figured I might as well spill my GUTS! It's January 7th and I am 18 in five months. Well, I'm very happy that I decided to grow up. I think I might be a little tooo... you know, I don't know never mind. But I'm very happy. Sure, this is probably the hardest thing I've ever been through, but whoever says it's not worth it is WRONG. I have to thank Katie and Travis because they have helped me sooo much. They keep me in line and tabs on me. My mom does a good job too. Travis gave me a wonderful blessing that really helped calm me and keep me positive. It is very hard to stay positive when there are very horrible things happening around the world. Scott Andersen (my seminary teacher) also does a very VERY good job keeping me in line. Angie, she is just the one who always makes me feel like it DOES get better. Because her and Kate both have been where I am. And they know better than anyone what this is like and how it feels. I really do love the Gospel and everything about it. Even though my whole high school career (minus the summer of 07) I was a brat and thought I was above the law. I even thought my family didnt' know what was best for me. Boy, I was DEAD wrong. Who did I think I was? Anyways, that doesn't matter anymore. But Let's just pretty much say I'm bearing my testimony to how amazing my family is. Wow okay, sorry guys. Not like anyone is reading this haha. :) lavieboheme