Come on, Amy! You can do it!

BAH! Okay I'm totally venting.
blah blah call this post a debbie downer post, I really don't care. 
Is it really fair that my mom has to be sick with the flu and oral blisters and a sinus infection 3 days before the biggest surgery of her life? No. Is it really fair that my mom even has to have this surgery? No. Is it really fair that she doesn't have a husband by her side through all of this? No. Is it really fair that she can't get approved for health insurance? No.
Life is not fair, I know. Save it. But can't one lady catch a break?
I don't know whether or not this has all hit me or if I am just numb to it all. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions from the age of five so the numb part is sounding pretty accurate. I'm standing pretty strong and tall through all of this. I won't lie, (and I know how stupidly cliche this sounds) I shut people out when things like this happen. I don't talk to people that I should and I just focus all my energy on doing things and not talking about things. I lose friendships like this, so people, please stick this out with me. It's gonna be a long year. 
I think the biggest thing is I HATE looking/feeling weak. I hate feeling like I have to lean on someone and cry on someone's shoulder. That makes everything worse. I'm tough; I'm strong. I can do this. But I guess this is what my blog is for-- is because sometimes, I can't do this. I shouldn't say that I can't do it.... I should say that I really don't WANT to do this-- any of it. 
I know, cancer happens all the time and there are much MUCH worse things out there. But this truly sucks. There is nothing worse than the unknown (you can quote me on that). That's all cancer is-- unknown. I mean, yeah doctors know, but they don't know all. Every answer any doctor has given us has had words like "probably", "most likely", and "maybe" in them. Unknown. 
I wish I could sit down with someone and just lay it all out. I can't. I physically cannot do that. I can't even do it on here. There is so much I want to say and so much that I want to go through and sort, but I can't do it for some reason.
I know I do have it really good. And I know we can all handle this. But it was Mother Teresa who said, "I know God won't give me (my mom) anything I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I think  God really trusts my mom. I think he trusts her more than a lot of His children. He definitely trusts her more than He trusts anyone I know. 
I hate to be so negative. We have (already) had so much help from so many people. People who don't even know my mom have sacrificed for her. I get the chills every time I hear of something someone has done for her or said to her.
I don't know if anyone remembers this, but my mom was the social worker on Spencer Salinas' accident. She was seriously amazing. She helped so many people and she helped me a lot too. I gained a lot of close relationships out of that accident as did my mom. Zach Salinas (Spencer's brother) and Lindsey Arnett (Spencer's girlfriend at the time) both texted my mom such meaningful things. They both brought tears to her eyes. Never underestimate the small (or big) things you do for someone. Lindsey, if you are reading this, you made my mom's night that night. Zach, if you are reading this, you made my mom's night the next. I know there is a reason for all of this. We saw some of the reasoning for Spencer's accident over the years. I hope we can figure this one out.
I might need help
But I'm no good at asking. So once again, bear with me:)
I want to say thank you to everyone who has helped so far. And for everyone who has facebooked me or my family, texted us, called us, or emailed us... or even prayed for us. Your actions are not going unnoticed. Every message, text, or call means everything to us. 
I really do have such an amazing family. I don't know what I would do without them. All of you. I love you so SO much. I know I don't always show it (I'm definitely the bitchy one in the family), but this is my way of telling you how much I love you. I'm the youngest so I'm a little bit of all of you mixed together (the good stuff only, of course) and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for everything.
And mom, you're amazing. I don't know where I would be without you. Even though (at the time) I didn't like it, the things you did when I was going through my "rebellious years" really molded me and shaped me. I know why you did those things now, although at the time I resented it. And I will admit it now: you were right all along. I'm hoping that through this whole process, we can become closer. And hopefully our whole family can too. But what a sucky way to do it, right?
Anyways. Life sucks. I'm tired. It's 2:45am.
Goodnight world.
Isn't my family awesome?

Oh, and PS:
I don't want pity or sympathy; I just want my mom better:(

1 comment:

Tys-Price said...

You can do it, Amy! It's okay to be mad, upset, angry, and frustrated at the situation. It's only human. Let your frustrations out... be honest. It's the greatest therapy. I admire you for being honest about your feelings.

You're amazing. Your family is amazing. Your mom is amazing! And God loves you all.

Please...let me know if you need anything.