thoughts that could get me in trouble.

Hello, friends. I have been thinking (that in itself usually gets me into trouble) and I have had a lot of questions come up. You know those people who have always lived off their parents testimonies? They've never looked for their own... found out that The Church is true on their own? Well, I am not necessarily one of those people, but I have a fault: (We can argue I have more than one fault, but we all know that's not true.) I've just gone through the motions.. I've never "searched, pondered, and prayed" about much of anything. I have never had that moment where I get punched in the face with a moment telling me The Church is true. I have never been reading a scripture and thought, "Oh my word! This IS true!" I have never said a prayer and felt the answer. (You could argue that I'm out of tune with the Spirit... which is probably true.) I have never read my pachtriarcle blessing and thought, "Hmm... God really DOES know me. This changed my life." Oh my gosh I am so awful.

Side note: I hate that I feel like an awful Mormon for wondering these things, or not feeling these things. WHY?

Woah woah woah wait... before you shit your pants, I am NOT an apostate. But I'll get to that later.

Anyways.. I've been figuring out a lot of things about myself. And one is... I'm all talk... no walk. I can sit and preach and preach to people what is right and what is true and what is not (And for the most part, my preaching (I think) is pretty accurate.), but I just don't really FEEL it sometimes.

Shocker, I know.

In the past, I've tried to strengthen my testimony and I've totally immersed myself in it. I don't think it was in my favor, that immersion. I think I need to take it a step at a time. I will ask scary questions. And if I'm "not supposed to know certain things," I will get an answer that is sufficient.

I'm so scared of some things. I'm so scared to believe that Heavenly Father can know EVERY SINGLE PERSON better than they know themselves. I'm so scared of the temple. I'm so scared of eternity. I'm so scared of letting my bishop know everything about me when he knows everything about everyone else. I'm so scared to let someone who I can't physically see take over my life. It is so hard for me to let "Thy Will Be Done" as they say. I am so scared of so many things. I'm scared that I won't do enough or be enough no matter how hard I try. I'm scared that I won't get to see some of my family members in the "next life." It could go on forever.

But I don't want you all thinking I'm apostate, like I said earlier. (Yes, believe it or not, I do care what people think... in fact, I care WAY too much.) While I have all of these doubts and fears, there is a part of me that KNOWS what I'm hearing and feeling and seeing is right and true (most of it). And that little part that knows that and feels it keeps me hanging onto the Gospel and my testimony (the baby one that I have). It gives me hope that if I genuinely work at it, I will have a good relationship with Heavenly Father and my testimony will grow. And it makes me feel willing to work at that. If nothing else, I know that keeping the commandments and doing the things I should makes me feel GOOD and I believe makes me a better person. Even if I just keep going through the motions for now, I think if I keep at it long enough, it will end up not being just motions.

I am happy that these doubts that arise aren't enough to break down my faith completely. Faith is a hard concept to endure. It is hard to believe that everything that happens to you is what you chose. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.... but I know it's there. Usually. It's hard to keep your head up sometimes. It's hard to have faith that God knows all. (Especially when you are as proud as me... thinking I know EVERYTHING.) But I'm willing to try and have faith. And I think God thinks that's good enough.

Don't get me wrong, I still might make up excuses to skip fast and testimony meeting at the single's ward or read my Kindle during it or skip out on mission homecomings/farewells. I will still probably mock a lot of people. I will still probably "accidentally sleep in" so I don't have to go to Relief Society. (I'm a bad, bad person.) But I'm going to try all that other stuff they tell you to do out. (Read scriptures, pray, fast, etc.) So here we go... This will be my journey to a testimony. Maybe it will help to write it all out on here. Also, if you have any advice for me, please contact me. I want this to happen. I truly do.