I haven't written in awhile. By that I mean, I haven't WRITTEN in awhile. Not blogged, or facebooked, or tweeted.... I have not sat down and wrote. About anything. And everything. I miss it. I really do. I used to be a writer, but then I decided it looked dumb. Well now, I don't care. If it's dumb, I would love to look dumb!
I'm at a place in my life where I don't know who I am or what I'm doing but I sure am doing it! School, work, friends, family... it's all relative. I keep thinking... in a year.. two years... three years... it'll be easier. But does it really ever get easier? Does anyone really know who they are? Apart of me misses when I was 16-17. I thought I had it all figured out, oblivious to what was ahead. They say, "Ignorance is bliss"... I couldn't agree more.
It's hard to figure out who you are when you're smothered by others' opinions and ideas. No, that wasn't a stab at the Mormon Church.I think, as I'm sure the rest of you do, that we conform to those that surround us. Whether it's good or bad, that's entirely up to you.I have found myself to be a recluse lately just for this very reason. I listen to music... a lot. I lose myself in songs and end up finding a little piece of me. It's amazing the impact one artist, one album, one song, one line can have on your life. I'm finding that I am a deeper person than I though I was.
Which brings me to my next life decision. I was going to further my education in teaching... but I don't want to be that. That's what's expected and I don't want to be just what is expected. I going all the way. Not "going BACK to school so I can have babies..." I'm finishing what I want to do and what will make me happy before I try to make everyone else happy.
I have always tried to make everyone else happy. I think I have mostly stopped that. There are still a few people that get me... but I am proud to say that I now know how to stand my ground. Saying no is hard, but being unhappy is even harder.
I was unhappy for a long time. A lot of people will tell me to stop talking about it, to let it go... but why would I stop talking about it? It made me who I am today. I will never fully let go... I can't let go of something I gave away that has such a big part of me. Why would I want to forget that part of me? Moving on and letting go are totally different things. I see moving on as moving forward, turning the page. Letting go is giving up who you were and forgetting it. But I guess it's all relative isn't it?
I only hope that I can help people with the things I have in my past. I am not complaining... my life is great. I'm not defending myself.. I'm just writing. Yeah, writing. I want people to see the things I have done and say, "Wow, she really is something." I'll get there someday. I know it.