3.13.2011

Today was a bad day

Let's just get that out there. This post will NOT be positive. It will consist of a lot of questions and negativity. So if you're on the verge of suicide, I would NOT read this post.
I'm gonna start off with a big fat
WHY?
Why? Why do people have to suffer? Why do some people have to suffer more than other people? Why do some people never STOP suffering? Why is it that when it rains.. it FREAKING POURS?
I guess I could sit here and riddle you and try to answer all of these "whys" but I never will. And I don't think anyone can give me a forward answer to any of these. I just want answers, and I guess that is where I am flawed.
Man, I let loose tonight. It felt good but it also wore me out. I wish I could do that more often, trust me. I have a soft spot for little kids and my mom had an awesome idea to make a money/gift card tree for a little boy in a family we have grown up with who has cancer. Dylan is the cutest, strongest, sweetest little boy ever. The look on his face is something I will never forget. The strength that family and that boy must have. I hope that one day I can be like my mom in this way. And give what I don't have to give. That little boy tugged at some heart strings of mine that I didn't even know I had. I cannot imagine the suffering and heartache him and his family are going through. I can only admire them and aspire to one day have their strength. Tonight I learned a lot about people and a lot about myself.As uplifting as it was, I couldn't help but feel sad.
I feel so sad. So sad because life could always be harder (for me). So sad because I'm complaining when things are so easy for me. So sad because I feel like my feelings aren't valid because my life is so fluffy. So sad that I am even posting this blasted bitchiness.
You know... I wonder why Heavenly Father does a lot of things. Why does he allow for people, innocent people, to suffer? I feel like the people who deserve it the LEAST receive the hardest trials. (I'm not talking about me or my family). Why does a nine year old boy have to suffer? What did he EVER do? Life is NOT fair. NOT in the least bit.
I'm struggling a little bit with a doubt and fear. I know it is Satan and I still have a testimony of the Gospel, but I'm just wondering why. I know it is wrong, but I can't help it. I get so frustrated with all the bad in the world that often times I lose sight of all of the good. How are people so positive?
I'm sorry but it is NOT okay for a nine year old to suffer the way he is. It is NOT okay for my mom to have cancer. It is NOT okay for Lexi to have to go through all she goes through. It is NOT okay for Katie and Angie to have gone through what they have gone through in the past year. It is NOT okay for any of this bull shit. It is just not okay.
I'm tired of sadness. I always feel like.. just one more thing and it will all be better. But it never is. It's just suck on top of suck. Who know I would be feeling this so strongly?
Life is rough, I know. And I know that one day it will get better, but for now, I just want to be hateful and talk about the suckiness of life.
Maybe one day I will get all cheesy and post what I am grateful for. But probably not.
For now, please just pray for that little boy and his family. This is not fair. But we can help; we can pray and we can be there.
Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Now I'm really rambling.
Good.night.

3 comments:

kristin said...

Hey you! First off, I love you. And probably you are just venting on this post, and you aren't looking for advice. (I know because I do that too) But I heard a quote just the other day that really kind of hit me so I thought I'd share after reading this. I don't remember who said it or exactly how it went but it said something like, "If we could see Heavenly Father's perspective on our lives and our trials, we would NEVER ask for anything but His will." I thought that was so great, because we are all being molded into His perfect creations, we just don't know it sometimes. Anyway, love you and think you're real great! Let's play soon!

Tori Moran said...

Amy, I really admire you for being to honest. This is raw, true, and brutal. The questions you are asking seem impossible, there are so many cliche's i could throw at you but you are so smart and while things look pretty grim and unfair eventually you will find the light and silver lining in them because you always do. You are so strong, I am sorry that life is treating you and your loved ones so harshly. Keep moving forward, sometimes that is all you have. You are amazing.

Tori Moran said...

in the beginning of that i meant SO* honest not TO* honest.