it had to end to begin

So... first of all... let me just tell you.. I love blogging and reading blogs! I'm such a creeper haha but I love hearing other people's stories. I might like blogging more than Facebook! It's much more personal and much more real. Facebook is just for jokes...and you all know how much I LOVE Facebook!

I have been reading stories about the sweet little girl who drowned in Lake Powell years ago. I can't believe how it affected me! I bawled-at work! I hardly ever cry, but when I do, I CRY! So these past few days have been days of crying. Not just that blog, but other things. I think I'm so stressed and so busy I haven't had enough "Amy Time." I need to be alone sometimes. I need to see my neices and nephews a lot more. They can heal anything and everything. 

Speaking of which, my little Peanut (Emory) was so sick. And so sad. She just wanted her Amy. Do you know how sad that makes me to hear her say she misses me?! I mean, while I was at Snow, of course she missed me, I was 150 miles away! But I am only 7 miles away now and she misses me! What a terrible Auntie I have been! My poor little Peanut. So yesterday I spent some time with her and I took her some ice cream on Saturday. It is so rewarding to see those kids' faces light up when they see their aunt. I love them so much. And Brylee calling me to Skype was just the cutest damn thing that's ever happened! I miss Angie and Steve. I miss having no life and just having my family:) Just makes me appreciate them so much more.

I absolutely cannot imagine losing one of them. I don't know how the Binks/Parry family did it (I am very good friends with Brady Parry). I read the post that Austin posted and I just bawled. There is a paragraph where he talks about how he knows what certain things feel like. I couldn't hold back. It was so beautifully written and so emotional for me to read. I don't know why. I have never lost a family member. I have lost friends, but I don't know what they felt, but he sure described it to me. I can only imagine that making me cry, what acutally losing a child would be like.

What I want to know is... HOW were they both so positive? I would be so angry at God. I admire people like that so much. I guess God just gives you a certain amount of strength when trials come along. Trials don't always have to be bad, do they? There can be good from them, right?

I also like reading other people's testimonies. It's amazing how eye opening some things can be. The littlest quotes, or sayings, or whatever can make such a difference. Honestly, reading Kamberlie's blog has strengthened my testimony. Heavenly Father does love me. I have been through a lot of trials, maybe not as bad as other's, but I think Heavenly Father gives trials to those he loves. I know he does. He wouldn't give me, or anyone else, a trial unless he knew without a doubt that it would benefit us in the long run. It's so hard to understand that he knows everything... it's so hard to understand "why" sometimes.. I don't try to understand anymore. I have gotten so much better at saying, "If it's meant to be, it'll be." And not just saying it-living it.

My sisters are so amazing. Katie is doing so much for my dad right now. He is going through a hard time and it seems like whenever anyone is going through a hard time, Katie is the savior. She is very Christ-Like in that way... she has saved a lot of people. She has saved me. I love her with all of my heart. We clash, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is my best friend.

Angie... I look up to her so much. She is doing everything she can to support her husband. She is uncomfortable and tired and mad and all of the above, but she is doing it. She is one of the most Christ-like people I know. I look up to her so much. She rarely talks bad about people and that's definitely a quality I need. She has been my best friend since I was a little girl. She will always be my best friend.

And besides all of that, they gave me precious gifts. They gave me their children. I would be lost and broken without those kids. I love them with all my heart.

I started going to a Single's Ward (in Farr West). I really enjoyed it! I knew a few people there, but not too many! I am excited to be in a new chapter in my spiritual life. And that is what I'm going to work on, is my spirituality. I need it. I need to be strong. I know that. Reading the Binks' blog has helped me realize that there is only one thing that is really important. And that's my relationship with Heavenly Father. If I don't have that, nothing else will fall into place the way it's supposed to be.

I really am so blessed... I have so many friends that care about me.. I have so many family members who would do anything for me. I have never been at a better place in my life as I am now. My life is stressful, crazy, and busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that my Heavenly Father has a divine plan for ME specifically. A plan that nobody else has. That is amazing that He can make one special plan for every one of his children. It's amazing that someone can love someone else so much.

I am definitely a lyric reader. I love lyrics. So much. I was reading Sia lyrics and I read the song "Numb." This really stood out to me, "It had to end to begin." I know everyone takes things differently but here is how I took it:

Something ending whether it be a friendship, a relationship, a life, or anything, doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It can open doors to so many new things beginning. I feel like it means, ending something can mean starting something so much better. And never ending that thing could have meant never having that one better thing. Whether it's someone saying, "I'm proud of you" or, "You're an inspiration." Even the littlest things are better. I don't know if I'm really making sense, but it makes sense in my head!

That is so definitely true with my situation with...well.. I won't name names, but everyone who knows me knows who I am refferring to. I know, I know everyone is tired of hearing about him. And he will be apart of this blog as I heal. So if you don't wanna hear about him, don't read!! Because guess what? I AM STILL DEALING WITH IT. Everyday. Every single day. I know, I made my bed. It gets easier and I realize how much better off I am, but nonetheless, I am still dealing with it. I have my moments where I hate him. I have my moments where I miss him. I really do, but I don't dwell. I think of the bad and not the good. That is so unlike me. But I need to be unlike me because it's me that got me into this situation. I need a new me. A new Amy. If that takes being negative about certain areas in my life, so be it. As long as I am generally happy. And I am. I really am generally happy.

And where would I be without the support of those who love me? I am so indebted to certain people for helping me push through this on-going trial. I know, my life is not that bad, but this is definitley a big trial for me. So thank you (you know who you are) for sticking it out with me and standing strong by my side everyday!

On a better note, I have so much to look forward to this month!

October 8-10: Idaho for Shelby's wedding!

October 16: JARROD GORBEL!!!:):):)

October 22-24: VEGAS with Jacee!

October 31: Halloween (my costume will ROCK!) and Daddio's birthday!

xoxo