Here we go again

Well. I'm back. Hopefully for awhile. You know, new year, new me, & all that bullshit.
Jk, I'm really going to bore ya'll with my New Years Resolutions because I think they mean something.

In 2015 I will....

1. Stop feeling guilty for doing things that make me happy.
I posted about this on Facebook, but it seems more appropriate to post on a blog. Back in the day (2014) I would want to post about or talk about things that I had done with someone or things that I had done all on my own, but I was worried about the grief I would get from people. The grief would be for not inviting them, or being "one of those workout people", or swearing too much. But guess what? I'm over it. That's not what MY life is for. I'm not here to please everyone else. I'm here to please myself and my family. If I want to post a picture of me at Crossfit, I will do it and if you guys don't like it then #unfollow. If I want to use a hashtag, I will. If I want to go to the mall with one person and not EVERYONE in that specific group, I'm totally going to. If I want to post a picture that seems ridiculous that others may not understand but I think is hilarious, I will. Get your feelings hurt if you will, but I will NOT be responsible for that.

2. Start loving myself a little more.
 This one will probably be the biggest challenge I face. I mean this in the most humble sort of way. No, this doesn't mean take more pix with a selfie stick, or to post more flex-in-the-mirror-at-the-gym selfies. It just means I need to learn to respect myself and love who I am a little more. As the famous and talented musician Kurt Cobain once said, "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." Anyone with my personality type (INFJ) is typically filled with self-loathing and I am no exception to this rule. I've realized that I can't like other people to my fullest capacity unless I like myself. And a big part about learning to like myself is for me to learn to be okay with the first thing I posted. I also want to learn to be the best version of myself possible. This means being kinder, more giving, more optimistic (that will be rough), and do more for others. I want to show the world that I really can be (and I feel like I am) a good person. I truly do care about others (a little too much). I just need to show it more.

3. Give more.
I was so #blessed (that's for you, Thib) in 2014. My boss spoiled Nate & I to no end. Nate ALWAYS spoils me even when he doesn't understand the things I want. (Minky, Lululemon, The Buckle, Sephora, etc.) We are so fortunate to be able to buy things for ourselves when we need them. There are others who are not. Whenever I am feeling bad about myself (which as you can tell, is often), if I give of my time, money, or resources, I always ALWAYS feel better about myself. So really any time I am giving it's to make myself feel better which really shows you how selfish I am. (Just kidding. But really.) I think we all could benefit from giving more. So next time I absolutely HAVE to have those (most likely see thru) yoga pants from Lulu, I'll need to stop and think about who in my life could use this money more than I could. And give.

4. Stop comparing myself to others.
Someone famous once said that comparison is the root of unhappiness. (I honestly have no idea who said this and I'm too lazy to research and find out who did.) I look at our friends and our relatives who seem to be able to buy whatever they want and go on all these trips and get really jealous. I think about what they make for a living and how they save and how they budget. When really, Nate & I are so blessed and fortunate that we have NO REASON to be jealous of others.(Actually I am the blessed one to have someone who is as good at budgeting as Nate is.) Sure, we aren't able to go out and buy that bedroom set I desperately want, but we are able to put food on the table and splurge on other things now and again. The minute I start to compare myself to others is the minute I get stressed about the future, about having children, about not being able to afford what our friends can afford, etc. Nate & I both need to learn to be happy with what we have. And in turn, maybe that will help us learn to give a little more. "Don't compare your behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel." Word.

5. Read more.
And read more books with substance. (Sorry Katie.) I've been reading this book about the effects trauma has on young & developing brains. It's been very educational and I'm not even halfway through. It's very profound and I'm actually learning a lot. A lot more than I learned in college. I would much rather read and learn about humanity and the human race then about a fake romance that will never happen in real life (sorry Katie). (The book is called The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry if you're interested.)

6. Write more.
I used to write ALL THE TIME. And it was fun because I think I can sometimes be funny via the world wide web. I've stopped because I was too worried about what people would think about me. But this is me. And I am who I am and I won't apologize for it. If you don't like my blog, that kind of makes me sad because by nature I am a people pleaser, but it makes me happy. Also, I probably won't apologize for swearing, but I will warn everyone that I have a mouth on me.Especially when I write. I've tried to stop, but I can't. It just feels so damn good sometimes!

7. Gain a better appreciation of Christ & His sacrifice for me.
I struggle with my testimony, a lot. It's not something unknown to me. But this year, if I gain a big testimony of anything, I want it to be of Christ & what he did for me. Which seems appropriate since we will be studying the New Testament this year. Which sucks cause I might actually have to pay attention at church. I will get there though, I have faith in that. I do have faith that if I put the work in, God won't hold back from helping me help my testimony grow. I want to be more like Christ and I think in order to do that, I need to gain an appreciation of what He's done for me and I need to gain a knowledge of the things He taught and what I am to learn from those things.

That's all. I think. I'm sure I'll come up with some more things to work on, but I feel like these already seem so daunting that I better not add anymore to the list. Wouldn't wanna set myself up for failure!

Happy New Year, all. Make it a good one.

-a