(almost) one whole year

Holy moly.
One whole year has gone by since my last post... which is probably a good thing.

I don't even want to begin to try to catch everyone up. If you really care to be caught up on mine and Nate's lives, just look at my FB or Instagram. It's all there.

I kind of quit blogging because I felt a little too exposed. And I will probably quit again (just a heads up). I saw someone's blog the other night and I read it and it made me want to start documenting life again. Facebook is so annoying and so much more temporary than a blog.

One of the things I have been thinking about lately is social media. I am so ridiculously involved with it, it's... well... ridiculous. I feel like Nate and I spend the majority of our time "together" on our phones. We need to go back to Motorola Razors.

I am trying pump the brakes on the social media because the only thing it ever does is make me feel insecure. Which is not a very hard thing to do, but still. I blame the internet. For everything.

I am tired of comparing my life to everyone else's lives. I have come to realize that I will probably never have thick, long hair with perfect curls. I will never have the newest, cutest clothes because I just can't bring myself to spend more than $25 on a shirt that probably doesn't fit me because I will never have those huge boobs everyone else seems to have. I will never have a perfectly clean house and perfect decorations that brighten up everyone's lives when they walk in. I will never have a perfect family. I will definitely never have perfect abs, calves (dammit), or biceps. I will probably never eat as healthy as I should or be able to post how long I've gone without drinking pop. I will never be a "perfect" member of The Church or even be able to pretend that I'm a perfect member of The Church. (That last one is the saddest one, I think.) I don't think I will have perfect children. Especially if they are anything like me. Which with my luck, odds are good that they will be. I just will never have anything "perfectly." But what is most important is that I will never be able to pretend that I have everything "perfectly."

Pretending sucks. I hate pretenders. Why does everything have to be about image? Why can't we all just be real? Why can't I just post about how I have to take 37 medications a day (that was an exaggeration) just to be able to function normally and to keep my mind under control? Why do I think it's important that you know that was an exaggeration? Why can't I post about how much I swear or how much I LOVE to hear the "f-word" in songs? Why can't I post about my family problems? Why can't I post about my struggles with my testimony and obeying The Church? Why is it so important that we make sure that everyone thinks we have perfect lives? Why do we all care that much?

Well, I did just did post about it. So, there you go.

I don't feel like you all would judge me for those things by reading this, so why am I so worried about what my high school friends think? Or what a friend of a friend of a friend thinks? I guess I'm not... since I am posting this for the whole internet to see.

I sure do have a lot to complain about.

I also have SO much to be grateful for.

I love that I am able to, if I want, go spend money on clothes. I love that I have an amazing family who (even though we are all crazy) is my best support system. I love that my Nate and I are probably the weirdest couple I know. I love that I can feel comfortable enough with myself that I can eat two otter pops and a Kit Kat for lunch without feeling bad (yes, that did just happen). I love that my house is lived in and that I can't decorate because I need 38 medications instead of 37. (I don't really love that part, but I like making people laugh.) I love that my crazy, imperfect life makes people laugh. I love that my children will probably be so spunky that I'll want to rip my hair out. I love that although I have never had a lot of friends, the ones I have now are one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I love that my testimony isn't perfect so I have room to grow. I love that I was blessed enough that I don't need to work out all the time (although I should). I love that I try my best not to pretend and not to care what others think. And honestly, I really love that I don't have it "all." I have all I need. I love that I can say that I am pretty dang happy with where I am at in life. Also, I really love pop. Like a lot. Like Mountain Dew from the fountain... MMM.

So maybe I don't need the validation I get when my pictures on Instagram get more than 10 likes (that's when it puts the number of likes instead of listing out the names of those who have liked it (why in the world do I know that?)). Or maybe I do. But that is a deeper issue if that's the case. And for right now, I'm done talking about my issues.

Anyways, this post is mostly rambles, but it's been what's been on my mind lately.


Damn that felt good.